Lately, I've been playing a game (with myself) called "Sunday Shuffle". Last Sunday, I had a good shuffle stretch that included a Dudley Moore/Peter Cook sketch, AC DC, Reigning Sound and Dayglo Abortions. I generally like this game.
Yesterday, I decided I wasn't going to talk to or see anyone for at least 24 hours. At 4 pm today (hour 21), I hit shuffle and went for a walk. Lost in thought, I didn't pay much attention to what was playing, but...
I was at the (mostly organic) fruit market. While waiting in line, a child of about 7 was flailing about, and accidentally punched me in the thigh. He was crying hysterically because I was between him and the display of granola/energy bars. That's when "What's Your Problem" by the Circle Jerks came on. It was pretty surreal. And hilarious. I started to giggle (SILENTLY), and crouched to face level with the kid. I grinned (SILENTLY) right in his face. And he stopped crying. And smiled back. End of meltdown.
That's when I realized that this kid was about as old as I would have been when my mother was my age. Today (wait, now yesterday) would have been her birthday.
She would have likely been confused by my purchases (wild mushrooms, baby greens, hot pepper, fresh garlic), but happy that I was cooking. She might have been disappointed by my professional life, but she would have been pleased that it hasn't crushed me (yet). She would hopefully have understood that while I am not in love, I love and am loved, and that is most important of all.
My life has been dramatically different from hers, largely because her death served as a catalyst for me. I learned about the brevity of existence at an early age, and I have lived accordingly. A life full of experiences is not the same as a life fully lived.
My friend S. said tonight, "Was there any point to this, or was it just for your own amusement?". Those things are one and the same for me. Amusement and comfort are the name of the game. I'm sticking with the plan.
Xo
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