I’m sore all the time. I’ve fallen apart since wrecking my ankle at the end of November. The winter was not kind to me. I was not kind to myself. I went to yoga yesterday with C. I was a little nervous for several reasons:
1) Despite a few months of private lessons and a period of regular practice last year, I’ve fallen off the yoga wagon and into the prickly ditch of inflexible stiffness and cynicism.
2) It was Kundalini yoga. Which, I was warned, involved chanting.
3) An hour before class, I ate a small bag of sugar-free Jelly Belly jellybeans. 80 or so beans, 160 calories. Whatever. Then I read the label. 64% of my daily fibre in one sitting, and a written warning that said jellybeans might cause stomach “discomfort”. The label advised to start with an 8-bean-or-less sampling. EIGHT BEANS OR LESS.
I was nervous, I was wearing leggings, and there was chanting in my future, but I went anyway. Compared to the yoga I’d been used to, it was physically pretty unstrenuous. Mentally, it was a different story.
1) Despite a few months of private lessons and a period of regular practice last year, I’ve fallen off the yoga wagon and into the prickly ditch of inflexible stiffness and cynicism.
2) It was Kundalini yoga. Which, I was warned, involved chanting.
3) An hour before class, I ate a small bag of sugar-free Jelly Belly jellybeans. 80 or so beans, 160 calories. Whatever. Then I read the label. 64% of my daily fibre in one sitting, and a written warning that said jellybeans might cause stomach “discomfort”. The label advised to start with an 8-bean-or-less sampling. EIGHT BEANS OR LESS.
I was nervous, I was wearing leggings, and there was chanting in my future, but I went anyway. Compared to the yoga I’d been used to, it was physically pretty unstrenuous. Mentally, it was a different story.
Did I mention that there was chanting?
There was also dancing on all fours, and 5 minutes of jumping/cross-kicking legs in front while criss-crossing arms above the head. "I NEED TO FLAG DOWN THE RESCUE PLANE TO GET ME OFF THIS DESERT ISLAND, BUT I ALSO REALLY HAVE TO PEE!". I slipped in and out of focus, from calm to thinking about dirty things to writing and work and back to being calm again. And probably back to dirty things again. Who are we kidding?
As we were winding down, the instructor started playing a particularly crappy piece of music. "Ugh," I thought. "This blows." She advised us that we would be listening to the piece of music for 11 minutes, and that it was meant to summon miracles. "Har har," I thought. "I will need a miracle to get through 11 minutes of this goofy nonsense."
I sat, cross-legged. My right hand gently cradled my left hand. My left thumb rested on top of my right thumb. I settled the knot of fingers and palms over my heart. "This meditation is to eliminate fear of the future," the instructor said. "This meditation is to eliminate the fear of the future that you have largely created yourself. This meditation is to release you into the promise of a future without fear."
A smile that can only be described as beatific crawled across my face. I probably looked insane--eyes closed, giant grin, flushed cheeks, wild hair--but i felt radiant and beautiful. It was kind of awesome. Sometimes, you're in the right place at the right time, no matter how off your game you feel.
Come and find me. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of you or jellybeans or anything. I dare you, life.
I thought this was going to be a fart joke.
ReplyDeleteeverybody seems to be disappointed about this. i fail everyone.
ReplyDeleteOnce you find inner peace, you will find the fart within and make a long winded story about it.
ReplyDeletegroan. whoever you are, you are ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteCopious consumption red wine and KD should provide you with lots of material.
ReplyDeleteC'mon Sociopath...you're not givin' your followers your best stuff. Time to start dropping gold bricks or you're going to bore us to death.
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about the oyster who refused to give to charity?
no. lay the punchline on me. if i laugh, i promise to tell 3 fart jokes in the next post, and actually read it for haha and clarity before posting, rather than just throwing it up in one fell swoop. deal?
ReplyDeleteDid you hear about the oyster who refused to give to charity?
ReplyDeleteHe was too damn shellfish.
It might take a while to get that and find the humour. One fart joke at a time please.
good grief. what's green and sings?
ReplyDeleteThat's a dead herb zinger not a fart joke. We're waiting...
ReplyDeleteFrank Snotra.
ReplyDeleteI'm not much for fart jokes, whoever you are. Falling down the stairs 12 Coconut Cream Pies-styles is more my speed.
Frank Snotra?? Elvis Parsley.
ReplyDeletethat's quite enough shuck and chive from you, whatever you are.
ReplyDeleteOK Grammy, I'll go to my room for my time out but don't shut my door!
ReplyDelete