i have never relied on the kindness of strangers.

i was so busy trying to convince everybody to trust me that i didn't realize i trusted nobody.

so. november. there you go. good riddance, and i'll miss you. what started off as a dog-walking adventure and punchline to my year-off joke...turned into a life and game-changer. i spent 13 months trying to decide if i would stay in toronto, finally signed a lease, only to--less than two weeks later--wind up with a whole new set of decisions to make. decisions that involve investing in myself, something i'm not particularly good at doing, particularly professionally. my previous professional objectives involved something vague about always being able to afford good cheese and avoiding blended whisky when possible.

november was so crazy that i met paul weller and forgot about it days later. there’s too much. I’m getting swept under. i fear forgetting what i want to remember, while being stuck remembering what i need to forget, if only due to exhaustion and the clusterfuck of existence.

i was in new york for the month, in the end, with only a brief mid-November interlude back in toronto that involved a frantic move in torrential rain and winds gusting 80k/hr.

i went back to new york. i ran. i pondered. i walked. i pondered.

with new determination, the night before i left, i went to (literally) take a victory lap around soho and wound up with a pretty solid ankle sprain.

and THEN, just before midnight, hours before my departure, i locked myself out of my place with no coat and $1 in my pocket. i spent hours in the cold being stoic, waiting for locksmiths to fail, for people not to return my calls. what started off as another lesson in the ongoing series of dangling carrot failures of my life, however, wound up being one of the best, most affirming experiences of the year. sometimes, you meet good people, and sometimes they do great things. someone i barely know, at 2:30 am on a sunday night, paid for my cab to brooklyn, put ice on my ankle, make me laugh when i was at the breaking point, gave me a place to sleep, and paid for me to get back to manhattan the following morning. (so i could get off a bus in the middle of the night and finish moving, which took...27 hours. but that's another story.)

if you'd asked me 6 months ago if i could have trusted strangers, i would have laughed in your face. 6 months ago, i locked the gates and discontinued ferry service to the island.

and then this happened.

and in the 5 days SINCE then, because i let them, in addition to the amazing rallying of my core troops, i have been supported, saved and surprised by several new friends, virtual strangers all. i will be worthy of your investments, old friends and new. i will feed you when you are hungry and take care of you when you are sick, wherever and whenever possible. we are all in this together.

life is too short not to allow this sort of intimacy. everything fails. everything disappoints. everything dies. take the kindness and pleasure as it comes, and don't hold out for things that don't exist.

this is all a little (read: LOT) bullshitty and soft for my taste, but most of my bouts of insomnia are fuelled by horrible things and panic. to not be able to sleep out of sheer gratitude? bears acknowledgement. so thanks, assholes. thanks for winning my trust. you all suck balls. and i love you.

i still love you. i don't love you anymore. i never loved you. i'm falling in love with you. i could never love you. love is a joke.

i'm in new york. again. i'm doing things like wearing swing coats and jackie o. glasses and silver kitten heels while running errands. i'm doing things like jogging 17k in 2 sessions in 3 days, in long johns and flashdance sweatshirts. i'm doing things like mending fences and burning bridges. i'm eating a lot of cottage cheese and drinking bourbon with impossibly attractive friends in hipster hell.

it looks like work lives here for me, and me will live here for work, eventually. i'm terrified.

i like you. i don't like you. i don't like talking about the things we never did. i don't like thinking about the things we did do. you're not who you think you are. you're exactly who i think you are. i'm a late bloomer. i'm an early adopter. i'm an abrupt abandoner.

i've been in new york long enough that the vendors on canal street have stopped trying to sell me things. i haven't been here long enough that i don't find rats adorable.

thanksgiving in america is making me think about the family i don't talk to. it's making me think about the people i love who aren't family who i do talk to. the odds are that if you are reading this, i love you or once loved you, or almost loved you.

make me love you. i have enough to give. make me hate you. i am due for a cull.

tell me to go. tell me to stay. come with me, and go away.

most importantly, ask me questions, because i have no answers.

i'm everything i never thought i was, in a surprisingly good way.

etc.

love,

me

My Stupid Blog

A year ago today, in a leather jacket, plaid dress, yellow tights and knee-high boots, I quit my job.

I had no idea what I was doing when I burned my life to the ground three years ago, but you can't stop a chain of dominoes. When the last domino falls, you have to set about picking them up. I guess that's what I was trying to do this last year. That was the plan, at least.

As this year dragged on, I began to dread the last week of September, the thought of having to take stock of it all, what with my introspective nature...ugh. I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't like what I figured out. At times, I really felt like this year was just another abstraction I was failing at quantifying.

And then the last week of September came.

My best friend from high school traveled 10 hours to spend 12 with me.

I had an epic chat with an old friend that began in tears, and ended with hysterical laughter.

I reconciled with a dear friend after a 2 year estrangement.

I had a perfect adventure day.

Investments in people will be rewarded.

Everything gets better.

Time is the only answer.

I like being happy.

*******************

I am pretty comfortable in my skin. I learn from my mistakes. I love and am loved. I am very, very lucky.

(and glad that i quit that stupid job)

NEXT.