i have never relied on the kindness of strangers.

i was so busy trying to convince everybody to trust me that i didn't realize i trusted nobody.

so. november. there you go. good riddance, and i'll miss you. what started off as a dog-walking adventure and punchline to my year-off joke...turned into a life and game-changer. i spent 13 months trying to decide if i would stay in toronto, finally signed a lease, only to--less than two weeks later--wind up with a whole new set of decisions to make. decisions that involve investing in myself, something i'm not particularly good at doing, particularly professionally. my previous professional objectives involved something vague about always being able to afford good cheese and avoiding blended whisky when possible.

november was so crazy that i met paul weller and forgot about it days later. there’s too much. I’m getting swept under. i fear forgetting what i want to remember, while being stuck remembering what i need to forget, if only due to exhaustion and the clusterfuck of existence.

i was in new york for the month, in the end, with only a brief mid-November interlude back in toronto that involved a frantic move in torrential rain and winds gusting 80k/hr.

i went back to new york. i ran. i pondered. i walked. i pondered.

with new determination, the night before i left, i went to (literally) take a victory lap around soho and wound up with a pretty solid ankle sprain.

and THEN, just before midnight, hours before my departure, i locked myself out of my place with no coat and $1 in my pocket. i spent hours in the cold being stoic, waiting for locksmiths to fail, for people not to return my calls. what started off as another lesson in the ongoing series of dangling carrot failures of my life, however, wound up being one of the best, most affirming experiences of the year. sometimes, you meet good people, and sometimes they do great things. someone i barely know, at 2:30 am on a sunday night, paid for my cab to brooklyn, put ice on my ankle, make me laugh when i was at the breaking point, gave me a place to sleep, and paid for me to get back to manhattan the following morning. (so i could get off a bus in the middle of the night and finish moving, which took...27 hours. but that's another story.)

if you'd asked me 6 months ago if i could have trusted strangers, i would have laughed in your face. 6 months ago, i locked the gates and discontinued ferry service to the island.

and then this happened.

and in the 5 days SINCE then, because i let them, in addition to the amazing rallying of my core troops, i have been supported, saved and surprised by several new friends, virtual strangers all. i will be worthy of your investments, old friends and new. i will feed you when you are hungry and take care of you when you are sick, wherever and whenever possible. we are all in this together.

life is too short not to allow this sort of intimacy. everything fails. everything disappoints. everything dies. take the kindness and pleasure as it comes, and don't hold out for things that don't exist.

this is all a little (read: LOT) bullshitty and soft for my taste, but most of my bouts of insomnia are fuelled by horrible things and panic. to not be able to sleep out of sheer gratitude? bears acknowledgement. so thanks, assholes. thanks for winning my trust. you all suck balls. and i love you.

You Might Like Me Now, But I Will Like Myself More Later

"Again? Really?"

"Yes, really."

"Jesus Christ. Really?"

"Yes."

I make terrible first impressions. I make terrible second impressions. Hell, I make terrible fifth impressions. You might think you know me, but you really won't until you've logged some serious hours with me. Until you do, you will think I'm wild and gregarious and brave. And it's true; I am those things, in part. But I'm also very anxious in a lot of social situations, and I bluff better than most.

I'm a great dinner party guest. But it's not necessarily me you're hosting.

I'm often told, after the feathers settle, months into friendships, how much quieter and softer I am than initially perceived. How calm and soothing and focussed and gentle I am. How much less space and energy I consume. I know how intense I can seem, how exhausting it can be to keep up with me in a large social situation. Imagine how tired I get.

I try to tell people off the bat how anxious I am, as if to hopefully diffuse the anxiety. It seldom works. Nobody believes me, they pour me another drink, and I tell another ridiculous story. Everyone laughs.

Stick around, I want to say. It's worth it.

During my short-lived experiment with internet dating, I used to talk a lot of talk about going with my gut. About the lizard brain, and not wanting to waste time. Over the last few months, I've been feeling somewhat badly about the men I cut off immediately, without allowing them to warm up. The lizard brain only really tells you if you want to fuck someone. The lizard brain knows nothing of companionship, and can really only tell you how the first three months will go. The lizard brain fucks, and eats crickets. That is all.

I am the most confusing kind of slow burn. I start at a rolling boil. I polarize people. The energy somehow forces them to make snap judgments about whether or not they like me, romantically or otherwise. Except it's not really me, of course. This is why, I suppose, women often drunkenly confess at parties that they hated me for the first six months they knew me. Men come back to me later, after we've become friends, after we've decided not to date, and I've moved on. They get to properly know me, and have some sort of epiphany, and...i'm so amazing and how didn't i see it at the time and why don't we...There is one man who, 13 years after he put me in the friend ghetto, still emails me three times a year to tell me that he is in love with me. I haven't seen him in a decade. He's not the only one.

No. This is not about you. Or you. Or you, for that matter. It's about me. It's about the girl who thrice moved in after first dates, now wanting to go slowly. Wanting to go very slowly, and trying harder to give people the time to settle into themselves in the hopes that they will grant her the same generosity. Friends, lovers, whoever you are, be patient. You might like me now, but I will like myself more later.