At least once a week, I get a certain kind of email. I can often tell it's going to be one of 'those' emails by the subject line alone, something like, "Hey!" or "Long Time!" or "Craaaaaazy!".

They are almost always riddled with spelling errors, and make liberal use of internet shorthand.

The emails generally read something like this:

"Hey girl! I know it's been a long time, but damn! When did u get so hot!? LOL!!! I wish I had known u would have turned out like this back in high school! LOL! JK! I'm going to be in you're (sic) city soon for work. We should def. have drinks and catch up!"

There is a slight variant on this that i refer to as the "when did you get cool" email. But it's basically the same thing.

I'd be lying if I said that these emails weren't somehow vaguely rewarding to me. I very much wanted to be pretty/cool in high school, and wasn't, based on how those things were quantified at the time.

But.

I haven't changed. I did the running man at the grocery store yesterday. I ate so many mini sloppy joes last night that I woke up at 4 am and vomited. When I'm walking somewhere with purpose, I hear the Dr. Who theme song in my head. I sleep with cookbooks in my bed, and am very interested in ornithology.

So, thanks. Thanks for coming around to Team Sociopath. We aren't currently recruiting at the moment, but we'll keep your information on file in the event that Hell freezes over. Try to remember how you've treated me, now and then, when you're sending your kids off to school. Hopefully, they won't have to sit next to people like you were, and seem to still be. Keep posting your horrible photos to Facebook, though. They bring me a lot of joy. Man, you have bad taste in furniture.

Love,

GS