Horse and Carriage

I went to an incredible wedding recently. The couple is amazing, their love and relationship is wholly inspiring to me.

But.

Something goofy ALWAYS ends up happening to me at weddings.

Years ago, in Fredericton, I ended up roped into a poetry slam. IT WAS THE 90S, ALRIGHT? I WAS ALSO WEARING CORDUROY OVERALLS. Anyway, my coworkers signed me up, poured vodka down my gullet, locked me in a toilet stall, and then I wrote a poem according to the slam guidelines. About losing my virginity.

When it was my turn to read, I stepped up to the mic, announced my name, and began:

It was almost Winter when I lost my virginity. He was going to Paris
I said "Put it into me".
I was young and naive and I had a bad haircut, and because he was cool, he was cold.

It was almost Winter when I lost my virginity, but for sure at an age
That it was still quite a sin to me.

He wasn't too short, but the hem of my skort* was much shorter or maybe he was just proportionally smaller because he WAS so goddamn short.

It was almost Winter when I lost my virginity, and the heat of his splinter is forgotten and eclipsed by me.

I THINK that's all of it. I was incredibly drunk by the end, and this took place well over a decade ago, my apologies. You get the point.**

Stepping off the stage, the first person I ran into was the sister of the virginity dude in question. She was upset. I scurried home. The next morning, I had a doctor's appointment. The nurse, the mother of a friend, asked me, with pursed lips, if I was there for a pap smear or STD test. She gave me a disgusted look, and clucked her tongue. I had no idea what she was talking about, shuffled over to the waiting room and read Woman’s World.

When I got home, the phone calls started. Apparently, the CBC had been at the poetry slam, and had recorded it without informing the participants. And THEN they played it on the driving to work show the morning after, with a strong parental advisory warning before my piece. Thousands and thousands of people heard me drunkenly recite an incredibly vulgar poem, AFTER announcing my name. Ugh.

I'd forgotten about this until a wedding a few years ago. I'd been quite nervous about being a bridesmaid, and was a bit of a jittery mess. After the ceremony, I went to a storage closet to compose myself for a minute, and when I emerged, the Nurse was standing outside the door with 5 friends. They were formed in a semi-circle around the door. Waiting for me. "Tell us the story of the last time I saw you," the Nurse said slowly, and with a pinchy smile. "What?" I asked. And then it all came flooding back. Oof. There is an infamous photo of me with my back to the camera, facing 6 middle-aged women wearing THE most disgusted and judgmental looks on their faces. It was uncomfortable to say the least.

Anyway, this most recent wedding was more of the same. I mean, I ran into the dude I made out with by a dumpster last year. I’d forgotten that he was close with the groom. Heck, I’d forgotten he actually existed. I was so confused when I saw him, that instead of behaving like a human being, I actually thrust out my hand to shake his, through a large circle of people, and said, “Hi.” He clearly didn’t recognize me, and looked confused. I said, “We made out by a dumpster? Summer 2009?” Recognition dawned on his face, but he still didn’t shake my hand. So I shot finger guns at him and walked away. And then every time he was within a few feet of me, I made sure to wave, say hi, and then say, “Oh, that guy? We made out by a dumpster! Summer ‘09”. And then I’d try to fist bump him. That poor, sweet man. Sorry, dude.

What I’m saying is, think carefully before inviting me to your wedding. Because I might just come.

*quite pleased for having used 'skort' in a "poem"
**the guy in question is amazing, and still a good friend. i miiiight have still been carrying a torch for him all those years ago. it's the only explanation for the nasty (untrue) things i said in the poem. 22 year olds are monsters.
p.s.(incredible wedding. blew my mind.)