Enthusiasm, an Open Heart, and a Selective Memory

(that thing you always are, that thing you'll always be. again.)

I found unmailed letters, written by my mother.

On My Sixth Birthday

"I was so afraid that this year would change her, rob me of her headlong joy. It should be a lesson. She is as brave and intractable as ever. She reads as a fully literate person and will not print to prove it to them. Her birthday wish this year was that everybody be at her next birthday."

On My First Day of Grade One

[Brian P. was a boy that i was fixated on as a very young girl. after 2 solid years of HARD rejection, i gave up on boys altogether. i didn't develop another crush until late junior high, and didn't lose my virginity or get a boyfriend--in that order--until first year university. but the Brian P. story goes a long way to explain the way that i approach life; enthusiasm, an open heart, and a selective memory.]

[K] "started school today. After a summer of not missing school or Brian P., she was wildly impatient for the morning to pass and school to start. Spent the morning buying Snoopy pencil case, crayons and ruler at City Pharmacy. She couldn’t wait for school, wondering/hoping that Brian would be excited to see her. Completely forgetting that she had accepted that he hated her before school closed. She wanted me to walk her to school. More and more excited as the minutes passed, planning show and tell. She will take Scrabble Sensor and give everyone in the class a word. She has it all thought out.

At one point as she dressed, she called out “I’m really a big girl now, aren’t I?”. Walked her up, leaving at 10 to 1. When we came to the gates, she raced in forgetting all about me [and my baby brother]. Very few children were there, all appearing older. She drifted from one group to another. Stood outside the fence, unable to tear myself away, marveling at her enormous strength and bravery. Only then realizing that I’d taken [K] half an hour early. Watched her stand, alone, for a time.

[K] came home with word that school was terrific. Asked if Brian was happy to see her, she said no. He hated her. When she told him she was moving, he said, “Good”. And she didn’t even chase him or kiss him. She looked regretful, then in typical [K} bounce back said, “sometimes he does like me to chase him, you know”."